I

I was around 7 years old when I first asked myself the question “Who am I”. The question haunted me and sent my mind into frenzy. If my mind was asking this question, I was not my mind and if I was not my mind then who was I? Who was my mind asking this question to? I would feel very uneasy every time this question occurred to me and I would completely loose track of things that were happening around me. This question haunted me for a few years, not constantly but every once in a while. Then gradually as grew into my teens the question went away.

I had identified my “self” with the image that I saw in the mirror. On some days the image in the mirror looked perfect on other days it would be full of blemishes. The morning ritual of looking in the mirror would set a tone for the rest of the day. As an artist would, I then started finishing that image. Various hair styles were tried out before settling on middle parting which highlighted my features the best. It was adorned by Classic fit blue jeans, a plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves, black timberland shoes and Ray Ban sunglasses. I was the man in the mirror and I liked what I saw.

The 20’s raged through and as the 30’s began to roll in, the image in the mirror slowly started to fade. Confusion began to set in as I began wondering; “was I only this image in the mirror that could be so easily eroded by time?” By that time however my CV was already 4 pages long and it was not difficult to convince myself that I was more than just my image. I began to earnestly build my new self, working hard burning the night oil. I made many sacrifices, painfully borrowed time from my loved ones and used it to build my credentials. As my image in the mirror was starting to form a few wrinkles, I reminded myself that I will be judged not by my looks but through my accomplishments. The rat race was on and I wanted to be the fastest rat.

Now my CV is bigger but it can’t fill the void inside me. It seems like I have been running the wrong race. I can’t convince myself anymore that, I am just an image, a style, few awards, accolades, achievements or some combination of these physical expressions which will eventually dissolve into time. Over the past two years, that same old question “who am I?” has started to haunt me again. There is a renewed quest to find the “I”, this time though the journey seems to be heading inwards. As I embark on this journey I am sure that there will be many more questions to answer, obstacles to overcome and the mystic fog of Maya will keep leading me astray. Through this fog though, I can sometimes see a faint glimpses of my “self”, a self that is eternal and untouched by travails of time or space.

I am hoping to find my “self”, my real “I” some day. And I have a strong feeling that when I find my “self” it will be no different than your “self”.

Let me just be a tree

Life, some say, happened by chance. They say that it is a result of the culmination of infinite number of sequences starting from the start of the universe. Others say that life is a divine creation. Like one fine day the almighty decided that life had to happen. Who knows where the truth lies, it is most likely somewhere in between. But I often wonder; if I have to be, then who would I rather be?

Hindus say that you are born a human after going through millions of other lives. Who wouldn’t want to be a human? We are of course the most intellectual of them all. We can manipulate every living and non living thing around us for our own comfort. We know that life is not just about living but it is also about leaving a legacy. Our intelligence empowers us, gives us the confidence to change our world. The same intelligence however, gives us greed, envy, pride and other sinful traits that are so uniquely human. This struggle of good and evil within the human mind is sometimes so intense that it makes me question the value of intelligence.

So what about being simple non intelligent bacteria? Eat when there is food and go dormant when there is none. There would be no worry of the future and no regrets of the past, life would simply be in the present. But replicating every 20 minutes is crazy. I can barely handle one of me, having thousands of me around is a scary thought. Plus bacteria do live in the weirdest of places and I don’t think I can handle that.

Maybe I could be a predator like a lion. I would be the king of the jungle the ruler of my domain. There would be no one stronger than me and the whole world would be at my feet. But I think I would be a terrible predator because I just don’t have the cruelty in me to kill that newly born fawn just so that I could have a meal.

So how about a tree, the most benevolent of all beings? Trees of course provide us with our basic needs like food, shade, shelter and clean air. What attract me to trees though are their deep roots. Roots that keep them grounded to a place for ever. Like all living forms a tree will perish due to the act of god, greed of a logger or need of a weaker creature. But until that day the tree clings on tight and never leaves that piece of earth that first helped it sprout.

I have lived in 4 different cities in the last decade. With every move there is always a struggle to form new roots. In every move there is that elusive search for the piece of earth that will ground me forever. And every move makes me wonder; if I had to be, why was I not a tree.

Beauty

Blissful in her world she walks down the isle
When suddenly her lips break into a warm smile
As she hears a whistle from a random admirer
Happy she is to be the object of many such desires

She flicks her golden hair as she turns around
Her frosty stare almost knocks him to the ground
She flashes the ring keen to see him broken
And whispers aloud “you ignorant I am already taken”

He whistles along as he shrugs off the worry
And says “Oh lovely dame there no such hurry
I am sure someday the future will bring
A beauty like you but without a ring”

Her face is still glowing, her smile still warm
She knows again that she still holds the charms
As she melts that night in her lovers desires
Happy she is to have many such admirers

Demons start smiling the day she spies
Wicked wrinkles under both her eyes
The mirror breaks but the image remains
Constantly reminding her of her pains.

Her lover sees in her not a single blemish
Every moment with her he holds with cherish
He is worried if their union will last tomorrow
As she is consumed by her plight and sorrow

She searches and searches in mirrors most
As she earnestly tries to find the image lost
Her thoughts and mind flooded with self pity
Cursing time who took away her beauty

Ending 1
Then one day a faint smile reappears
As once again that whistle she hears
She turns around and her eyes wildly search
To find him again atop his lofty perch

He jumps down to join her in the isle
Says “Come with me for many many miles”
She flashes the ring and gives the answer same
But says “Thank you for making me pretty again”

And blissful in her world she walks away


It was 2 in the morning and I was at the Amsterdam airport with nothing to do. I had almost finished my cappuccino and finished reading Jesus by Deepak Chopra and was bored as I had 8 hrs to go for my next connection. As I was staring into nothing I saw a girl walk by. Then someone form the Starbucks shop whistled, startled she turned looked around appearing annoyed and then walked away. With nothing to do as I waited for my next flight I wrote this poem.
But I do not quite have a good ending yet, please feel free to come up with your own ending.

Me, myself and no one else

I am Himanshu Shashikant Gadgil. I have spent my life until now trying to build my name and I plan to spend the rest of my life doing the same. And why should I not? My name defines me. Out of the 7 billion or so people there are only 2 or three other Himanshu Gadgils and I think I am the only Himanshu Shashikant Gadgil. Just like me, my name is unique. My name it is my identity and will end up becoming my legacy. My existence is a culmination of an infinite sequence of actions and events starting from the very start. And my name shouts out to the world and announces my miraculous existence.
But, wait a minute! My existence is only as miraculous as that of the daffodil plant which is in full glory but which will soon wilt under the onslaught of winter or that of the cockroach in the kitchen which will be taking bite of the deadly bait anytime now.

So why do we humans give so much importance to our name? Of course, every one of us is unique to the core and as individual as we can be. Yet, we are only as unique as any other life form around us. I am not suggesting that our individuality is not important. No matter how small, we are still an important part of this universe and the expression of our individuality will define the future of our universe. But, as far as the grand plan goes the ownership of our individuality is inconsequential. Who did it, is not as important as what was done. Every single action and event in our life, in that daffodil’s life and in the cockroach’s life will shape the future of our universe. The only difference is that we have a conscience. Hence, we have control over our actions, the daffodil and the cockroach don’t. Unfortunately, most of our actions are centered around our ego. These actions isolate us and leave us with discontent, pain and suffering. When we ignore the “who” and the “I”, we create harmony with our universe. We start doing things that are right “period”, not just things that are right for us. We still remain uniquely individual and yet resonate in tune with the grand symphony of the universe.

If you think about it, most of today’s names will remain only as tombstone markers a few hundred years from now. Some of the more illustrious names will adorn the history books for a while longer but, eventually, they will also be swallowed by the marching time. However, our every single action will have a consequence on the future. Every single action will start a cascade of events which will last until the very END.

Once in a lifetime

It’s the age of fast cars, 2 minute noodles, instant coffee and T20 cricket. Unfortunately in this fast paced world our expectations from life have also become fast paced. Our life is the sum of all our success and failures. Yet we often try to sum up all our life based on our day to day successes and failures. Every minute of every day we are searching for a new conquest a new victory a new success and when we fail in that search it seems as if our whole life is falling apart. I still remember that day in my life when it seemed as if the whole universe was conspiring against me. I was in seventh grade then and I had practiced hard all year to get selected in my school table tennis team. Unfortunately, I got slated against the number 1 seed and lost in the first selection round itself. I still vividly remember that dark evening when my whole life seemed to have lost meaning as I sat in front of an idol and kept asking “Why me?”. Next year I practiced harder and got selected in my school table tennis team, and blew it up right away (but that story is for another blog). In the grand scheme of my life the failure and success of being selected in my school table tennis team was inconsequential and yet in those two years the desire to be on my school table tennis team had engulfed my whole life.
What seems like the ultimate goal during a particular phase in our life is often just a small marker. And many times we put so much emphasis on our goals that we forget to enjoy our journey. For me the joy of playing table tennis got buried under the expectation of getting selected in the school team. Eventually table tennis became a chore for me and I quit playing after 8th grade. I rediscovered that joy again in graduate school when I used to get my behind kicked by friends from China for whom table tennis was not even a sport but just a way to kill time. And for me table tennis was fun again, it was not about winning or loosing or proving a point, it was just about enjoying the game.
My goals in life have changed but my passion of going after my goals is still the same and hence, failures are often as spectacular as those in 7th grade. But table tennis has taught me one valuable lesson. “Do try to reach your goals but make sure that you enjoy getting there because goals keep changing all the time but the journey happens just once in a life time.

Yin Yang

Beautiful snow fall has paralyzed Seattle for the last three days. Busy streets have become ski slopes. Kids are out of school and enjoying the winter resorts just outside their homes. I am stuck in the house with nowhere to escape and I can’t help but ponder on one question. When the whole universe is moving towards chaos why is there so much order in life? And this time it’s not a deep philosophical question but rather a practical question. Why do we organize everything around us? Why does our house have to be squeaky clean with everything put back in its place? In most cases there is only one answer: because She wants it!! And “She “could be your girlfriend, wife, mother or any other woman in your life.

 Just by the virtue of being a woman “She” has a minor case of obsessive compulsive disorder. In her world, everything in the house has a place. The kitchen counter and sink are always completely empty. The bed is always made and the flat sheet folds just enough over the comforter, such that the embroidery on it is perfectly aligned with the border of the comforter. The pillows on the sofa are not meant for comfort but are for decoration, two pillows should always be on the arms of the sofa and the third is placed in the center with its edge pointing up. The TV remote control is always placed in fancy wooden remote holder, which is placed on the left side-table.

When men are at home they have a minor case of motivational deficiency disorder (She prefers to call it laziness). For us the house is a big playground and a sports bar, a small piece of world that we can rule. Cups are for drinking coffee and glasses are for drinking wine, its perfectly fine to just rinse them before use, why bother washing them everyday? The kitchen counter is a perfect place to keep important piles of bills/letters, car keys, and wallet. Men are introduced to a bedroom only after they start living with women. For us a bed has a transient existence and it could be a couch, a sofa that faces the TV or a hammock on warm summer day, so dressing up a bed is just beyond comprehension. The pillows on the sofa have one and only one purpose that is to serve their master; they have to be a headrest, a footrest, a backrest or anything else that enhances their masters TV viewing pleasures. We know the power of remote control, some of us even think that it was the biggest invention since TV, but give me a break a remote does not need its own space. 

Men and women live in different worlds, which is why they have the expression “men are from Mars and women are from Venus” and tying the knot is like uniting these two extreme poles of universe.  I am sure that by this time you are wondering what all of this has to do with snow in Seattle. Well, it never snows in Seattle and when it does, life comes to stand still. So I am stuck in the house for the last three days and there is nowhere to escape. My office is closed, all the bars are closed, no racquet ball and even my dentist called off the appointment. For the last three days, I have been organizing our closets hanging pictures, installing drapes and vacuuming carpet. It’s like learning a language that I don’t understand.

But that's all just fine, because without Yin this Yang’s life would be full of chaos!

According to Chinese philosophy Yin and Yang are fundamentally opposing principles of universe. The balance between Yin and Yang is thought to be critical for existence of this universe. Yin often represents the female form and Yang represents the male form.

Yes We Can!!!

I have never been happier to admit that I was wrong. I did not think that a black man could win elections in America but Barack Obama proved me wrong. My skepticism was not because I think there is rampant racism but because we often tend to take decisions based on perceptions than on reality. And Xenophobia forms a major component of our perceptions when we judge others. Xenophobia which is defined as” the fear/hatred of that which is foreign” has plagued mankind from the very beginning. The displacement of natives and aborigines by the Europeans, slavery, the crusades, the holocaust, 9-11, the Babri masjid tragedy and genocides in Somalia Darfur and Bosnia and the recent terror attacks in Mumbai are all examples of the hideous nature of Xenophobia. Yet xenophobia has been an important factor in survival of humans and animals in general. A strong sense of self and rejection of the foreign has been a key component of the evolution of life. In fact it is so deeply ingrained in us that it is present even at a molecular level. The first lesson our immune system learns is to recognize self proteins from non-self proteins which is how our body is able to fight bacterial, viral and other foreign proteins without attacking our own “self” proteins. Globalization is the only cure for xenophobia. As cultures are melting into each other, through the internet, TV/movies, free trade and immigration, people are realizing that their biases are only skin deep. Obama winning the election is a shinning example of how much progress we have made in defeating xenophobia.


On a personal level Obamas win has given me hope again. Hope, that was lost somewhere on the streets of Mumbai. During my recent visit to Mumbai I was shocked to read advertisements which were targeted against “foreigners”. There were boards with picture of a white man which said “Yeh Mumbai ka nahi Canada ka hai: (he is not from Mumbai; he is from Canada) or with a picture of Sikh with caption saying “he is not from Mumbai; he is from Punjab. Mumbai is the epitome of cultural, religious and economic diversity. Heck!! Mumbai has even formed its own dialect called Bambaiya which is an amalgamation of Hindi, Urdu Marathi, Gujrathi, Konkani and English. So it hurts that a handful of politicians are ruining the beauty of this most diverse city in the world. It hurts even more because India (and the sub continently civilization in general) has be a beacon of cultural liberation and equality for ages. Dr Zakir Husain was Indias first minority President in 1967, at a time when the US was deeply entrenched in segregation. India (Indira Gandhi 1966 to 1977 and 1980 to 1984) and Pakistan (Benazir Bhutto 1988-1990 and 1993 to 1996) both elected female prime ministers back in the 60’s and 80’s which is a stunning contradiction to the backward image of these countries that is portrayed in the “modern” western world, compared to that the US will have to wait for at least 8 more years before they can elect their first female president. And of course there was Mahatma Gandhi who was like a shining light house in the gloomy World War II era. Gandhijis influence extends way past his fight against apartheid in South Africa or his non violent struggle to free India. Gandhiji has influenced many of the modern leaders like Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Dalai Lama and even Barack Obama. We surely need more leaders like the Mahatma in this present war hungry world.
As president Obama makes his own history, these recent acts of bigotry in Mumbai will remain only as very tiny stains in the marvelous history of this great city of the world. And I have just one thing to say to the religious and political leaders who want to use bigotry and racism for personal gains: “Yes we can!!!”