Good Bye

The sun has ebbed, the sky forlorn
The lone last leaf is clinging on
The storm will howl the wind will brawl
The lone last leaf will have to fall...
Walking past I just wave goodbye
No tears shed no need to cry
The lone last leaf will always be
Some part of the majestic tree.

Tears

Theses tears will never stop flowing

Will keep trickling down drop by drop

Your memories will never stop glowing

Until that day when time shall stop

My mind is soaked with this endless rain

My soul is numb can’t bear this pain

The pain keeps growing day by day

God is dead, to whom should I pray?

Belief

I believe in earth without borders
I believe in faith without religion
I believe in humanity without race
I believe in love without possession
I believe in truth without excuses
I believe in education without awards
I believe in pride without arrogance
I believe in dreams without expectations
I believe in laughter without inhibitions
I believe in passion without regrets
I believe in belief without conditions

I

I was around 7 years old when I first asked myself the question “Who am I”. The question haunted me and sent my mind into frenzy. If my mind was asking this question, I was not my mind and if I was not my mind then who was I? Who was my mind asking this question to? I would feel very uneasy every time this question occurred to me and I would completely loose track of things that were happening around me. This question haunted me for a few years, not constantly but every once in a while. Then gradually as grew into my teens the question went away.

I had identified my “self” with the image that I saw in the mirror. On some days the image in the mirror looked perfect on other days it would be full of blemishes. The morning ritual of looking in the mirror would set a tone for the rest of the day. As an artist would, I then started finishing that image. Various hair styles were tried out before settling on middle parting which highlighted my features the best. It was adorned by Classic fit blue jeans, a plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves, black timberland shoes and Ray Ban sunglasses. I was the man in the mirror and I liked what I saw.

The 20’s raged through and as the 30’s began to roll in, the image in the mirror slowly started to fade. Confusion began to set in as I began wondering; “was I only this image in the mirror that could be so easily eroded by time?” By that time however my CV was already 4 pages long and it was not difficult to convince myself that I was more than just my image. I began to earnestly build my new self, working hard burning the night oil. I made many sacrifices, painfully borrowed time from my loved ones and used it to build my credentials. As my image in the mirror was starting to form a few wrinkles, I reminded myself that I will be judged not by my looks but through my accomplishments. The rat race was on and I wanted to be the fastest rat.

Now my CV is bigger but it can’t fill the void inside me. It seems like I have been running the wrong race. I can’t convince myself anymore that, I am just an image, a style, few awards, accolades, achievements or some combination of these physical expressions which will eventually dissolve into time. Over the past two years, that same old question “who am I?” has started to haunt me again. There is a renewed quest to find the “I”, this time though the journey seems to be heading inwards. As I embark on this journey I am sure that there will be many more questions to answer, obstacles to overcome and the mystic fog of Maya will keep leading me astray. Through this fog though, I can sometimes see a faint glimpses of my “self”, a self that is eternal and untouched by travails of time or space.

I am hoping to find my “self”, my real “I” some day. And I have a strong feeling that when I find my “self” it will be no different than your “self”.

Let me just be a tree

Life, some say, happened by chance. They say that it is a result of the culmination of infinite number of sequences starting from the start of the universe. Others say that life is a divine creation. Like one fine day the almighty decided that life had to happen. Who knows where the truth lies, it is most likely somewhere in between. But I often wonder; if I have to be, then who would I rather be?

Hindus say that you are born a human after going through millions of other lives. Who wouldn’t want to be a human? We are of course the most intellectual of them all. We can manipulate every living and non living thing around us for our own comfort. We know that life is not just about living but it is also about leaving a legacy. Our intelligence empowers us, gives us the confidence to change our world. The same intelligence however, gives us greed, envy, pride and other sinful traits that are so uniquely human. This struggle of good and evil within the human mind is sometimes so intense that it makes me question the value of intelligence.

So what about being simple non intelligent bacteria? Eat when there is food and go dormant when there is none. There would be no worry of the future and no regrets of the past, life would simply be in the present. But replicating every 20 minutes is crazy. I can barely handle one of me, having thousands of me around is a scary thought. Plus bacteria do live in the weirdest of places and I don’t think I can handle that.

Maybe I could be a predator like a lion. I would be the king of the jungle the ruler of my domain. There would be no one stronger than me and the whole world would be at my feet. But I think I would be a terrible predator because I just don’t have the cruelty in me to kill that newly born fawn just so that I could have a meal.

So how about a tree, the most benevolent of all beings? Trees of course provide us with our basic needs like food, shade, shelter and clean air. What attract me to trees though are their deep roots. Roots that keep them grounded to a place for ever. Like all living forms a tree will perish due to the act of god, greed of a logger or need of a weaker creature. But until that day the tree clings on tight and never leaves that piece of earth that first helped it sprout.

I have lived in 4 different cities in the last decade. With every move there is always a struggle to form new roots. In every move there is that elusive search for the piece of earth that will ground me forever. And every move makes me wonder; if I had to be, why was I not a tree.

Beauty

Blissful in her world she walks down the isle
When suddenly her lips break into a warm smile
As she hears a whistle from a random admirer
Happy she is to be the object of many such desires

She flicks her golden hair as she turns around
Her frosty stare almost knocks him to the ground
She flashes the ring keen to see him broken
And whispers aloud “you ignorant I am already taken”

He whistles along as he shrugs off the worry
And says “Oh lovely dame there no such hurry
I am sure someday the future will bring
A beauty like you but without a ring”

Her face is still glowing, her smile still warm
She knows again that she still holds the charms
As she melts that night in her lovers desires
Happy she is to have many such admirers

Demons start smiling the day she spies
Wicked wrinkles under both her eyes
The mirror breaks but the image remains
Constantly reminding her of her pains.

Her lover sees in her not a single blemish
Every moment with her he holds with cherish
He is worried if their union will last tomorrow
As she is consumed by her plight and sorrow

She searches and searches in mirrors most
As she earnestly tries to find the image lost
Her thoughts and mind flooded with self pity
Cursing time who took away her beauty

Ending 1
Then one day a faint smile reappears
As once again that whistle she hears
She turns around and her eyes wildly search
To find him again atop his lofty perch

He jumps down to join her in the isle
Says “Come with me for many many miles”
She flashes the ring and gives the answer same
But says “Thank you for making me pretty again”

And blissful in her world she walks away


It was 2 in the morning and I was at the Amsterdam airport with nothing to do. I had almost finished my cappuccino and finished reading Jesus by Deepak Chopra and was bored as I had 8 hrs to go for my next connection. As I was staring into nothing I saw a girl walk by. Then someone form the Starbucks shop whistled, startled she turned looked around appearing annoyed and then walked away. With nothing to do as I waited for my next flight I wrote this poem.
But I do not quite have a good ending yet, please feel free to come up with your own ending.

Me, myself and no one else

I am Himanshu Shashikant Gadgil. I have spent my life until now trying to build my name and I plan to spend the rest of my life doing the same. And why should I not? My name defines me. Out of the 7 billion or so people there are only 2 or three other Himanshu Gadgils and I think I am the only Himanshu Shashikant Gadgil. Just like me, my name is unique. My name it is my identity and will end up becoming my legacy. My existence is a culmination of an infinite sequence of actions and events starting from the very start. And my name shouts out to the world and announces my miraculous existence.
But, wait a minute! My existence is only as miraculous as that of the daffodil plant which is in full glory but which will soon wilt under the onslaught of winter or that of the cockroach in the kitchen which will be taking bite of the deadly bait anytime now.

So why do we humans give so much importance to our name? Of course, every one of us is unique to the core and as individual as we can be. Yet, we are only as unique as any other life form around us. I am not suggesting that our individuality is not important. No matter how small, we are still an important part of this universe and the expression of our individuality will define the future of our universe. But, as far as the grand plan goes the ownership of our individuality is inconsequential. Who did it, is not as important as what was done. Every single action and event in our life, in that daffodil’s life and in the cockroach’s life will shape the future of our universe. The only difference is that we have a conscience. Hence, we have control over our actions, the daffodil and the cockroach don’t. Unfortunately, most of our actions are centered around our ego. These actions isolate us and leave us with discontent, pain and suffering. When we ignore the “who” and the “I”, we create harmony with our universe. We start doing things that are right “period”, not just things that are right for us. We still remain uniquely individual and yet resonate in tune with the grand symphony of the universe.

If you think about it, most of today’s names will remain only as tombstone markers a few hundred years from now. Some of the more illustrious names will adorn the history books for a while longer but, eventually, they will also be swallowed by the marching time. However, our every single action will have a consequence on the future. Every single action will start a cascade of events which will last until the very END.